


Audrey Has Crushes

by Nocticola



Series: Femslash [5]
Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: 1x12 Resurfacing, 1x6 fur, Bi Audrey Parker, Episode: s01e05 Ball and Chain, Episode: s01e07 Sketchy, Episode: s01e08 Ain't No Sunshine, Episode: s01e10 The Hand You're Dealt, Episode: s02e02 Fear & Loathing, Episode: s02e03 Love Machine, Episode: s02e04 Sparks and Recreation, Episode: s02e05 Roots, Episode: s02e06 Audrey Parker's Day Off, Episode: s02e08 Friend or Faux, Episode: s02e09 Lockdown, Episode: s02e12 Sins of the Fathers, Episode: s02e13 Silent Night, Episode: s03e03 The Farmer, F/F, F/M, Multi bi, Post Episode:s02e01 A Tale of Two Audreys, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2018-12-31 09:23:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12129420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocticola/pseuds/Nocticola
Summary: Bi!Audrey's thoughts on dating through the seasons.





	1. Season 1

Audrey’s not really in Haven to date. Actually, she doesn’t date much at all. Sure, she hooks up with colleagues or people in the cities she works in sometimes, she does have needs, but Haven is not really a suitable place for that. That doesn’t mean she can’t still look, and enjoy the prettiness.  
***  
First of all, yeah, Duke’s hot. He’s the type she might hook up with on a short cases, in cities where she was unlikely to run into him again. She can’t really see him as someone she would have much of a future with. She’s not quite sure how Duke sees their little flirting and that date bet. Sure a fine meal would have been nice, and it would have saved Duke from sleeping with Helena and getting a daughter he can’t never see, but for her, it was more a bet than a date. They haven’t talked about how Duke felt about it. That is probably for the best.  
***  
Jess is hot and fun and nice. Once she moved from a person of interest to just an interesting person, she wouldn’t have minded being the one dating her. She probably would have been less awkward at it than Nathan at least. But Jess went for Nathan, and she is glad for her friend. It is cute to see him stumble, and at least she still gets to spend some time with Jess. She does hope things work out for Nathan. He really deserves something to work out.  
***  
When Julia asks her for a drink, Audrey is not sure whether or not it is a date. She’s getting a vibe from Julia, even with Duke’s teasing about Julia’s adolescent crush on him. But at first they just talk about Eleanor, Julia’s mom, and then they start talking about the Colorado Kid case, and Audrey almost forgets the vibes. Her search for her possible mother is so strong, sometimes.  
After they’ve searched all of Eleanor’s notes on the CK case, and dealt with the sad case of Vanessa Stanley, they continue hanging out. Eventually, after both of them decide to stay awhile in Haven, Julia tells her that she is bisexual with a preference for women, and Audrey tells also tells her that she’s bi, but without a particular preference. It’s fun to talk about bi stuff with someone who understands.  
After spending some more time together, they end up making out a few times. Ultimately, the both feel that will be better off as friends. Who might make out sometimes.  
***  
Lastly, Nathan. Oh, Nathan. Nathan is probably the first real friend Audrey’s had in her life. But she also can’t ignore the fact that he’s cute, and smart and kind. The kind you might settle down with. Unfortunately, he’s also a huge mess. What with his father, his Trouble, Duke and who knows what else. His thing with Jess seemed to loosen him up a bit, which was nice, but then it ended and it seemed to have made certain things worse for him.  
She has her own issues, and she is very much not here to date, but sometimes when she looks at him, she thinks… maybe. When she has a lot more stuff figured out, and when Nathan has dealt with some of his.  
***  
After she starts to settle in Haven, and she find out more about who she is, dating becomes the furthest thing on her mind. How could she date, when she doesn't even know what she is?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might write more chapters later. But for now, this is a one-shot.
> 
> Not quite sure how I feel about the Julia section, might rewrite that.
> 
> https://demisexualnathanvuornos.tumblr.com/post/166567053773/audrey-has-crushes-biaudrey-in-haven-season-one


	2. Julia's goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia says goodbye before leaving Haven again. 
> 
> Set between 2x1 A Tale of Two Audreys and 2x2 Fear and Loathing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally a oneshot, then I thought I'd do a chapter per season, but no I'm not sure of the length and structure but will write this as the mood strikes.

Audrey didn't really manage to sleep well the night before. Finding out that all of her memories are someone else's, every single one of them, and meeting that woman, she had a lot of thinking to do. The other (original? real?) Audrey is staying at the same inn, for now. They are trying to figure out what is going on and how they should handle the situation. Because of that, Audrey is not surprised to hear a know at her door early in the morning.

She gets up from the bed, puts on a robe and goes to the door. But the woman behind the door is different than who she expected. It's Julia and not Audrey.

“Hey. Sorry if I woke you up.”

“No. No, you didn't. I wasn't really sleeping anyway. Come in.”

Audrey sits back at her messy bed, Julia takes her one chair. They haven't really talked in a few days. Not after Max Hansen's death. So much has happened in just a few days. Audrey has no idea where to start talking, but apparently Julia is not here for a life update. Audrey's, anyway.

“I just came to tell you. I'm leaving Haven. I'm going back to Africa. Darfur, probably. Believe it or not, it's easier place to be than Haven.” She gives a short, humorless, laugh “I never wanted to come back here. Losing my mother, seeing what this town has turned into… It's not for me. I don't wanna stay. I can do better somewhere else.”

“Oh,” is all Audrey can say. She hasn't known Julia long, but they were friends (apparently she really can make friends), they had a fun time together and they shared a certain outsiderness.

“I understand. You lost your mother. Your help is needed elsewhere. “

“You could run away with me,” Julia respond, giving her a smirk. Audrey smiles and gives her a laugh. “I mean, not like that, unless you want. I just mean, you could leave too. I don't have to stay here. Get consumed by this town like so many others.”

'Like Lucy Ripley and who knows how many others', Audrey can't help thinking. It's a tempting thought, though. To leave. Forget her past, forget that her memories are not her own. Forget the mystery scars and part lives. But she can't. This is what she has been searching for her whole life. Even if she is not really Audrey Parker, she wants to find out who she is. Because she has to be somebody. Haven has the answers for that.

“I can't. The truth about me is here. I need to find it. I… I belong in Haven, some how. I need to figure it out. But your offer is very tempting. “

Audrey gives her a smirk and gets off the bed to give Julia a hug. They share a brief goodbye kiss before they break apart again.

“Didn't hurt to try.” Julia sighs before continuing, “I still need to say goodbye to Nathan, give him condolences. Maybe he'll run away with me.”

They share a laugh at the idea. Nathan is as if not more stuck in Haven as Audrey is.

“What about Duke?”

Julia smiles sadly, “That is… very complicated. I left him a note, telling him I'm leaving. I can't stay in Haven, and I'm not sure I like how he turned out. I'm not sure he trusts me anymore, either. I just… I need to leave.”

“I get it.” Audrey feels like hugging her again, so she does. “Don't be a stranger,” she whispers in Julia's ear.

“I won't. Maybe we will meet again.” And with that, Julia is gone. 

Audrey sighs. She needs to get ready for Chief's wake. Nathan will need her. And there are a lot of secrets she needs to uncover, both about herself and Haven. Maybe she will end up finally finding a home for herself here. No more running. That would be nice. 


	3. Audreys (+Evi)

It's really weird to realize that you are not who you thought you were. Well, that you are not *just* who you thought you were. That you have been someone else. Accepting that she *was* Lucy Ripley is difficult, and she would rather ignore the revelation brought by the scar at the sole of her foot, but she can't. She *really* can't, when the person she thinks she is, Audrey Parker, suddenly arrives at her life, pointing a gun and being so very *Audrey*.

Nathan is having none of it from this other (real) Audrey Parker, and she supposes that is what allows her to hold on to herself. If Nathan wasn't there, refusing to accept that she is not who they thought she is, she is not sure what she would have done.  
(Of course, she knows it's just one more thing for Nathan to be in denial about, but she can't help but be grateful, regardless. She needs someone to have trust in *her*, her identity, right now.)

It's surreal to realize more and more how alike she is to this, 'other' (real) Audrey. There are differences, and she is not quite sure how to understand that. But the memories, the ones she keeps locked up tight inside her head, the ones she never talks about, would never talk about, she knows them. Because those memories are not hers, but (the real) Audrey's. She really does not know how to cope with that. But she must.

###

Another revelation, Duke has a cute, seemingly estranged, wife. And no sisters. Good to know

###

The more she gets to know the other Audrey, Audrey 2, the more interesting the similarities and differences become. She can't help but ask about the bi-ness. She called Audrey cute in a possibly flirty way. Being bi is something Audrey has known and accepted about herself for a long time, and she is curious to find where that is from. Audrey 2 confirms and she's bi, too. Preference for men but that's all she seems willing to say at the moment about her love life. That's fine. Audrey doesn't want to examine her love life either, right now. She is cute, though.

***

Moving in with Audrey 2 seems sensible. She is staying in Haven, and continuing to rent a room at the inn is becoming ridiculous. Duke lowering the rent is perfect timing. Although Audrey 2 won't stay forever, it will be nice to have a roommate, for as long as that lasts. After having practically no friends her whole life, it's really nice to have someone like Audrey 2.

***

'We know each other better than sisters,' Audrey 2 told her just this morning. No Audrey 2 knows nothing about either one of them. Losing her *hurts*. She was like a sister but not. Someone who knew most of her secrets, who understood some of her worries and dreams (the clown at fifth grade; mother coming to save every orphan on a bus). She hasn't really had that type of understanding before. It was so nice to have that connection. 

She is somewhat surprised to find out about Brad, that Audrey 2 has someone she is building a life with. Someone she remembers when she doesn't remember her own name. She doesn't think she's ever experienced that type of love. She's not even sure she is capable of that. She is glad that Audrey 2 gets to go home, loved and hopefully safe. But it does make her wonder more about herself. Can she connect like that? She is not sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chris Brody and (season 2) Nathan chapters coming up at some point.


	4. Chris Brody

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me exactly 6 months to update this, but this chapter is longer than the first three combined, so hopefully that makes up for it. I'll try to update this more in the future.

2x4 Sparks and Recreation

Chris Brody is an arrogant jerk. It's really annoying that he's also kinda hot, in a pretty scuffy way. Hopefully he has a heart of gold somewhere in there. At least he likes kids. Considering how many people keep secrets from her, Chris' seeming honesty is kinda refreshing. And his blatantness about his interest in her, makes her feel almost flattered. 

A big part of it's not even about Chris, though. She's starting to feel... she needs some connection. Proof that she *can* connect. The real Audrey could, she had her Brad, why can't she?

Julia is gone, Audrey is gone, Duke is dealing with his estranged wife and Nathan is--. Nathan is complicated, though he is there for her when he's not dealing with his own considerable stuff. But that leaves her feeling a bit alone. 

Maybe she has misjudged how interesting sea plants or whatever can be. And Chris probably wants company, given that his Dad just died. She can be there for him, help him adjust to his Trouble. Isn't that the reason she's here? Going on a date doesn't hurt anyone, does it?

***2x5 Roots

Audrey is willing to accept that maybe it's a bit weird that she decided to run a work errand before her date with Chris, but that's how it works in a small town. She supposes. It seems to be how Haven works anyway. 

And she has to admit that running into the Troubles during this small, meant to be quick, errand is not a surprise. It seems to be just her luck. And her life. If Chris wants to be a part of it, he should get used to it. Her job is important. Both the cop job and the Troubles one. She can't help how they both effect her life. She can understand some frustration on his part, but this is what he's signing up for. 

Running into Duke and Evi, seeing their reactions to Chris, the Brody Trouble in full effect, as she's making fun of his 'poor me' attitude, Audrey briefly wonders if she should tell Chris she's bi. That she's not just talking about Evi as a beautiful woman because he should find her so, but because she does too. But she decides to let that be a topic of conversation some other time. She's not sure what Chris' reaction would be but she's really not in the mood to hear about possible threesomes.

Audrey is quite surprised that, even though he is Troubled himself, even though Chris knows a lot about what is going on in Haven, he has no empathy for other people's situations. Seeing the Troubled strictly through science makes her feel on edge. She's seen the damage being Troubled has done for so many people, and it's not like Chris is a fan of his own Trouble, yet he sees the Troubles as a science project. He seems to still not understand how it all works. Maybe she takes it personally because she still doesn't understand her role in all this. Is she Troubled? Why is she immune, what does it mean? Whatever she is, the issue is not about the plants, it's about a person, or possibly people. And she can help them. She's not quite sure Chris really understands that. 

\---

Finally, Chris seems to be getting it more. He figured out the Trouble, although through physics. Maybe there's hope for him yet. Holding his hand to express 'love' wasn't so bad. 

After they are all out of the barn or whatever, she goes to find Nathan. There is something inscrutable in Nathan as she approaches him and a part of her is wary about asking. 

"Hey, you OK?" 

"Why wouldn't I be? Everyone's safe. I'm just trying to figure out what to put in my report." 

Audrey stares at Nathan for a moment, trying to figure out what is bothering her about him. When Nathan gives her a small smile, she decides to let the issue rest. If Nathan doesn't want to talk, he won't talk. She feels better about asking the ground, kicking at the grass, 

"Hey, do you think I could get tomorrow off? This wasn't really a good date, and I'd like to make another go off it." 

When she looks up, Nathan's face is a practiced blank. 

"Um... There is a career day, at the elementary school tomorrow. One of us was supposed to go." 

"Hey, I did all the boring paper work when you wanted to go on a date with Je-" but before she can finish her sentence, Nathan interrupts her. (The pause let's her reflect and yeah, maybe it's better that she doesn't fully mention Jess) 

"Rock, paper, scissors you about it?" 

Audrey squints her eyes and says, "Fine. Best out of three." 

Nathan starts the count, and beats her rock with his paper. Audrey whines but she counts it the next time, but loses again, this time her scissors are beat by Nathan's rock. 

"Sorry," Nathan says with a tone that is not sorry at all. 

"Fine. I'll do this. It won't be too long, right? I can talk to some kids, no problem," Audrey's smile is nervous. 

Nathan puts his hand on her shoulder and tells she'll be fine. "You can have the rest of the day off. Enjoy it." 

"I intent to." 

__ 

She sets up another date with Chris after all the boring paper work has been dealt with and although she doesn't really care for the flowers, he manages to say all the right things. Maybe he actually listened to her.

_"I want you Audrey because you're you."_

Audrey takes a moment to think about his words and then kisses him. It feels nice. It's been far too long since she's had someone like this. (Who knows when *she* has had someone like this, but it has been a while for Audrey Parker) In this moment, she decides to go for it with Chris. Maybe they won't last, maybe this is a bad idea, a mistake. But right now Audrey just wants to be with someone who tells her how amazing she is and wants her. She wants this. She needs this. 

***2x6 Audrey Parker's Day-Off

Day 1:  
It’s nice to have someone to wake up to after a fun night. Since she has a day off, maybe the fun can continue, still. Chris woke her up so early she still has time before her one work thing to have another tumble in the sheet, and it feels great. It’s also kinda fun to sneak around on Duke, reminds her of her teenage years and hiding her relationships from foster families. Although this is a much more fun occasion. Neither one of them really wants to deal with smitten Duke this morning.

As they drive to the school, Chris tells her more of that picnic he has planned for today. Someone wants to take her out on a picnic! How nice and lovely and *normal* is that. Right now being with Chris feels nice, and natural. Despite his grumpy demeanor, Chris has the makings of a decent boyfriend. When he keeps his grumpiness about her job in check. Maybe she can do this relationship thing, like Audrey can with her Brad. (Although she doesn’t know how she feels about Chris’ possible career sacrifice for her, she doesn’t want to be that type of girlfriend.) 

But before she can really deal with all this or have that picnic, Nathan ends up calling her to work. A child has died. She’s never seen Nathan this shook up. But she doesn’t have time to figure anything out before the day just stops, rewinds. Day 2:  
Chris kisses her again, and it would be nicer if she wasn’t enveloped in a deep sense of déjà vu. But because it’s Haven, it has to be something more than that. It spoils the moo, there’s not morning sex and they end up running into Duke and the Brody Trouble rears its ugly head. The (first?) déjà vu version went by so nicely, almost perfectly, yet she feels frazzled that whole morning before she finally has to go see Nathan and tell him about it. He’s really the only one she trusts with stuff like this. 

And even though she tries, Duke dies, and it’s her fault and then the day starts again. Day 3:  
After seeing her friend just die in front of her, being woken up by a kiss doesn’t feel so nice, although she appreciates the comfort. She’s not sure she’d like to wake up alone after something like this. Once she sees Duke again, knows he’s alive and well, she has to leave Chris to keep Duke company, to keep Duke save. Chris is completely confused about everything she does and she can’t blame him, but she also can’t really explain it to him. She can’t deal with a confused boyfriend when she has to get the day to stop repeating, hopefully without more people dying. 

Even though it was nice to have Chris’ confused comfort in the morning, she really couldn’t do what she does if she didn’t have Nathan and his unwavering faith in her. 

_“What if I fail?”_

_“Then you’ll tell me again.”_

And then she has to, because Nathan dies. Day 4:  
Nathan died. Nathan died and Chris is kissing her and that means the day rewound and she can save Nathan. Once again, she leans on Chris for emotional and physical support that he doesn’t know why she needs. She thinks she might be hysteric as she explains her realizations to Chris, talking about her wound and what it means and he looks freaked. Explaining this all to Chris feels weird and while she’s glad he’s there, she’s not really talking to *him*. Because Chris doesn’t really get it, he doesn’t know. Yes, he knows she’s immune to his Trouble but he doesn’t understand what it *means* to her, what she can do for people. She needs to fix this. Needs to find Nathan, and protect him and Duke and everyone in this town. 

Chris seems to go along with her ramblings and what she does in a long-suffering way and she really doesn’t have the time to deal with the question of whether that’s a good or bad thing. She just needs this day to end so she can fix this. 

When Duke is safe, when Nathan is safe (because she begged him and touched him and that’s *dangerous* but they needed it), she thinks she has finally fixed it, when Chris appears. She’s trying to protect him but he just won’t listen to her, won’t stay at The Gull where he’s safe from harm. She is too freaked out by the danger Chris put himself in to really deal with how sweet it is that he bought her all this stuff, even went to store to get it for her. But she can’t be in girlfriend mode when lives are at stake, and the way Chris walks off, she’s not sure Chris really understands that. 

And still, when she almost gets ran over by a car, Chris saves her and she is… She is just past being capable of dealing with it, with this day. She cares about Chris and this hurts, it all hurts, but finally she is starting to make the puzzle pieces fit. Anson Shumway is the answers. Day 5:  
Waking up to Chris’ kiss after seeing him die is a gift. She’s feeling very unsure about their future or if they’ll have one but he’s here now and she takes his comfort before finally finishing this damn day. Maybe Chris will eventually understand her job, of why she has to do this stuff, why she is the way she is, but he doesn’t understand now. And she doesn’t have time to explain. She has to end this day, and maybe then she’ll explain to Chris. But they’re not really like that. 

\-- 

The day finally ends. Anson Shumway dies and the day doesn’t reset. It’s her fault. Nathan tries to comfort her, but it’s her fault a little girl just lost her father on her birthday. And when Nathan leaves, and Chris comes to offer his own comfort, she can’t help but think about how Chris is putting his own career on hold for her, to stay in Haven. He shouldn’t do that, not for her. She can’t be that type of girlfriend. Maybe she never can be. “I don’t get days off.” If Chris wants to be with her, he needs to understand that. And maybe he will. Because even though she tells him to go, she doesn’t quite want to break this off yet. So, she tells him she’ll be with him once he gets back to Haven. She wants to give this a proper try. Chris deserves better than ending things before they’ve really seen them through. 

The kiss leaves her conflicted. It feels like a goodbye and so many other feelings she’s not ready to deal with. She’s not ready to go inside. She doesn’t quite know which man is the biggest reason. 

2x8 Friend or Faux 

_Nathan: Just because your boyfriend sent it to you from London isn't a reason for you to eat Vegemite._  
_Audrey: Well, millions of Australians would disagree with you, and that's not why I'm trying it. I'm trying it to make sure that I don't like it. Listen, if my memories are not my own, just because I remember not liking Vegemite doesn't mean that I don't._  
_Nathan: You lead a very complicated life. >/i>  
_Audrey: Tell me about it.__

__

__

A long-distance thing with Chris goes pretty well. It's only about a month, so that's not so bad. They email occasionally (the time different and cost keep them from really calling) and Chris sent her a package with London knickknacks and… Vegemite. She doesn’t like Vegemite. Well, Audrey Parker doesn’t, but maybe *she*, whoever she actually is, does. It doesn’t hurt to try. Well, actually it kinda does, since Vegemite is disgusting to her. But it is quite fun to talk like this with Nathan. 

***2x9 Lockdown

Chris is finally back in Haven from his grant gathering trip in London. She suddenly feels very nervous. Even Nathan can tell (was there something to his tone when he said ‘date’? And why does she feel the need to deny she’s going on a date with her boyfriend?), which means it has to be really, really obvious. When you’re dating someone with the ability to get absolutely everything to fall for you, or at least do whatever you want them to do, things are tricky. Who knows if he used his Trouble on anyone (besides the grant granters, is that the term?). Nothing about her life has become any more clear in the month since he left, so who knows what this is going to be like. But a boat parade should be nice, and calm, and hopefully Trouble free.

Audrey’s not quite sure whether it’s the ‘public’ in PDA or the suddenness of it, but she is taken aback by the kiss. The fact that he comes right back for more doesn’t make the situation any better. Work is for work things. They should get out of the police station before being all couple-y. Is it wrong of her to want to do something actually date-y with her boyfriend for once? Yeah, she missed Chris, and clearly Chris missed her too, but she kinda wants to see a boat parade. Haven’s normal small town quirks are really growing on her. 

And then work calls her again. Of course it does. Chris is not amused. 

\--

Chris has clearly become more comfortable with his Trouble. That’s… nice, although he’s a bit too eager to deploy it just so they can get on with their date. Lives are at stake here, and she needs to stay and fix this. Chris doesn’t seem to have developed anymore understanding towards that fact about her.

\-- 

Evi is getting worse, the infection Trouble is spreading. She wishes she could be more comforting to her, promise her more than that she will find a way to fix this. She doesn’t know Evi very well, but she’d like to. Even if she is the one who cost Nathan his position as Chief. She doesn’t deserve to die like that. 

__ 

He doesn’t really take her job seriously, sometimes. Just because it’s not his Trouble, he might know something. Ok, not really, but at least she’ll get to see him. These interviews are frustrating. 

\--- 

And now Evi’s dead’s and Nathan and Duke are beating on each other and she really needs to fix this. Evi deserved better than this. 

___ 

And then he gets infected. God, they have no luck. But he also still doesn’t know how to interact with other Troubled people. She needs him out of her office so she can fix this whole thing and Chris’ somewhat understandable panic isn’t helping. Nikki can’t think clearly when Chris is around. And the way he wants to use his Trouble? Thinking it’s faster than bullets? Chris clearly still has a lot of learning to do to deal with his Trouble without hurting people. 

_“Damn, I wish my affliction worked on you.”_ Well, he can clearly hurt people without it. Slamming the door on his face feels good. 

\-- 

Chris saw her book a gun into evidence, and now she is staring right down the barrel of that very same gun, and if she had time she’d feel even angrier at Chris than she already does. But that’s not important now. She needs to fix this. Chris’ guilty look confirms to her all she already knew. They’ll really have to talk after all this is over. He’s still trying to use his Trouble to fix this but it won’t work. He was already manipulated by Hugh once, trying again won’t work. He has a gun because of Chris. The Brody Trouble only penetrates so deep. Hugh won’t stop what he’s doing for Chris but he might kill for him. 

When Hugh holds a gun at her head, Chris seems to figure out that maybe he can stall him long enough for her to get to Nikki. Finally something with Chris’ Trouble goes right. Nikki finds her strength and saves everyone. 

\--

_“I gave into my Trouble. I want to be with you. I need to be with you.”_  
_“Wanting me and needing me are two different things. I can’t be the person who keeps you ‘you’. You need to do that on your own.”  
_

She doesn’t have time to devote her life to keeping Chris from mishandling his Trouble. They barely managed to get a date together, how could she be there enough for him to make sure he doesn’t make those mistakes again? _“Eventually you’d resent me for it.”_ She doesn’t want that responsibility. She can’t be that for someone else when she’s not always sure who *she* herself is. 

Chris was fun and hot and good sex and comfort when she needed it, but they couldn’t make this work, at all. Maybe when the Troubles aren’t around things would be different, but who knows what the end of the Troubles means for *her*? She can’t be the person Chris needs. Not now. Probably not ever. Hopefully he'll find the strength to not need someone to keep him in check. But it can't be her.


	5. Nathan season 2

Audrey has never really had someone like Nathan in her life. She's spend most of her life being self-reliant, taking care of herself and others. She didn't really have friends or other close relationships, she was an orphan without any family.

Nathan has changed all that. He's her friend, her partner, someone she can trust no matter what. Whether it's her identity, losing friends like Julia and other Audrey, dealing with dating, he's always there for her. She's really not sure what she would do if she didn't have him, keeping her grounded, making jokes to keep her spirits up. She needs him the way she hasn't needed people before.

Because of that, she hasn't really analysed her relationship with Nathan from a different lense. Sure, Nathan is cute and funny and sweet, definitely boyfriend and father material. But he's also awkward and damaged and it just has been easier to not think about him in a non-friend capacity. She never mentions the missed call from the night she slept with Chris, she doesn't analyse the pain of seeing him die or seeing him disappear right before her eyes. It's just easier to couch all that in 'partners'. It works for both of them.

Until suddenly it doesn't. Her identity crisis hits ite crecendo, she kills the Rev and refuses to deal with it properly. She slightly misuses her police resources because if she is not helping the Troubled every way she can then what is she really *for*? It gets so bad that Nathan spills out his not-just-partners feelings at her in a burning building. Gone is the pretense over where their relationship has been heading for months. 

His words hit her with the realization of her own feelings she has tried to not deal with. But she has to, *they* have to, and iy's scary but it also feels right. Because it's Nathan. But she has a situation she needs to deal with first before she can really talk to Nathan about this.

But before she can do that, Nathan does something miraculous for her. He fiends Lucy Ripley for her. He plays it off like it's not a big deal but it's huge and she feels like she is finally being able to express her feelings for him. She hugs him in speechless gratitude and when he lets her go, while promising to wait for her? Her feelings for him are clear and there and she echoes his words and it feels right.

Nathan is not just her partner. He is that and so much more. And she will come back to him. Having someone to come back to is new and kinda scary but she is willing to battle her commitment issues for Nathan.

Yet as she turns away from him, she doesn't feel like words are quite enough. She needs actions, Nathan deserves actions. So she turns back and kisses him.

The kiss is gratitude and love and partnership and feelings she can't quite express yet. Nathan kisses her back with slight hesitation, he doesn't even really touch her but that is OK. The kiss was a surprise, and who knows when Nathan last felt a kiss. The emotion is there and it's enough to keep her in a slight haze all the way to Lucy Ripley. It makes her giddy.

***

Her feelings get muddled and complicated after she comes back from meeting Lucy Ripley. Meeting her raised whole new questions she doesn't have any answers to, and Duke and his family legacy doesn't help her at all. 

The Teagues have hid everything from her all this time and they are still only giving her scraps. A name (Sarah) and a ring that somehow seems familiar. It's hard for her to really concentrate on work with everything she's just learned.

Nathan doesn't know about everything going on inside her now. He is just the same old dependable Nathan and she really needs that. They really need to talk about so many things.

Yet Nathan asking her out, for an actual for real date is a bit of a surprise. Not unpleasant one, though. She doesn't really wanna get dressed up and go outside to get gawked at. So she suggests pancakes, which feels so right. It throws Nathan a bit, he stutters over the word 'breakfast' and it's implications and wow. She really loves this man. She can't wait to properly tell him and leaves him in slight suspence. She wouldn't mind pancakes for dinner and breakfast. She has developed a real taste for them.

***

Things between them change because of the kiss. Of course they do, yet still the need to stare at Nathan's lips now that she knows what they feel like when they are supposed to concentrate on the case, is suprisingly distracting. It helps to know Nathan feels it too. 

*** 

Audrey is somewhat confused about Nathan's varying emotional openness during that day. First he tells her about how he got Troubled for the second time. Hearing it is rough but she is not sure she knows what to do about that information. It does explain a lot. They should talk about that more later. 

But when it comes to talking about what happened between him and his father, he is much more reluctant. Nathan is clearly upset and shaken but he refuses to really explain why. She tries to make an innuendo joke about it ('I'll get it out of you later') but Nathan is not in the mood. But that's OK. They have a date coming up. 

*** 

This is one of the most frustrating Troubles for Audrey, because she *knows* important stuff is happening yet she doesn't know what. She gets snippeds from Duke and Nathan's words but without context except for their traumatized faces. The case ends in tragedy and Audrey wishes she knew what happened. Well, another thing to discuss with Nathan. 

***

Audrey hasn't really made pancakes before. She hopes Nathan likes the recipe and as she makes them she is starting to get their appeal even more. Whisking the batter, the sense of achievement as they turn beautiful golden brown.

Despite everything going on in her life, she feels good. She wants to be with Nathan and he wants to be with her. It's new and scary and exciting and she can't wait to do this. 

As she puts finishing touches on her place and puts on the pink camisole she hopes Nathan will love, she feels ready. Just then, there's a knock on her door and her heart beats excitedly. 

_Nathan, you're early!"_

it's a bit unlike Nathan but maybe he's just as excited as she is. Maybe something will finally go right for her.


	6. I think I'm beyond therapy (Claire 3x3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Audrey gets therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post 3x3 The Farmer, pre-3x4 Over My Head, first of Claire and Audrey's sessions.

“I'm glad I finally got you for a real session.” 

Audrey plays with her fingers nervously at Claire’s office, “I need someone to talk to. Might as well be someone I'm paying for,” Audrey smiles slightly sarcastically. 

“Well, technically I'm paid for by the police station, so don't worry about it.” 

“Not like you'd have much time to get me to pay if it wasn't,” Audrey likes this back and forth they have, it's nice to have someone she can just talk to these days. Everything is so fraught with Nathan and Duke. 

”Do you want to talk about that?” 

Of course, she had to bring that up and give Claire an opportunity to ask her about it, ”Not really.” 

Claire sighs, ”So. If you don't want to talk about not going away, that's fine. But what would you like to talk about then?” 

Audrey knows she needs to talk, and she's the one who set up this meeting, but now that she's here, in Claire's office and it's all official, she's not sure where to start. ”I don't know.” 

Claire gives her a slightly annoyed look, ”Fine. Let's not deal with the fact that you have a deadline and you have decided to alienate your friends prior to that happening. Let's talk about something else then. Lucy. You've been made aware that she loved the Colorado Kid. How do you feel about that?” 

Claire certainly isn't pulling any punches. Audrey bunches her arms around herself in a protective stance. Well, she asked for this session, ”I don't know how to feel about that. I don't… I don't even know how to start dealing with that. My abductor just said I wasn't the only one who loved him. What does that mean? How did he know the Colorado Kid? Was I in love with him? Were we together? I just… I have no answers. Only thing I know that Lucy, * I * told myself to find him before I go. I don't know why yet.” 

Audrey pulls at her hair in frustration. She has no answers to these questions and she is struggling with figuring out where to even start. 

”I don't know how to feel about Sarah or Lucy or any of their relationships. I have no connection to them. I don't remember them. The Chief, Nathan't dad, he knew Lucy, he worked with her and he never told me and I… I didn't feel any connection to him. I don't think I did. Not to even mention the Teagues. They knew Sarah *and * Lucy, yet they never tell me anything until I've 'earned' it.” 

Audrey falls silent. That was a lot. Claire has a thinky face on and Audrey doesn't know how to continue her rant. 

”Would you like to connect with them? With Lucy?” Claire asks after she seemingly comes to some type of decision. 

”Could I?” Audrey feels skeptical. What is Claire suggesting? 

”You've probably heard of past life hypnosis, we could try that if you give me a day or so.” 

”Really? Hypnosis?” 

”Do you have a better idea? We know for sure you have past lives you could connect with.” 

Audrey bites her lip. It sounds ridiculous. But what part of her life since she came to Haven hasn't been? ”I guess it doesn't hurt to try.” 

Claire smiles, ”Good. I can schedule a session for a few days from now and we can start.” 

Audrey smiles back and it's almost genuine. 

Are you ready to talk about something else? We still have time." 

Audrey looks at her suspiciously, "Like what?" 

"How are you sleeping?"

On the couch with a gun in hand, "Like a peach." 

"I'm serious, Audrey." 

Audrey decides to relent, "As well as could be expected." 

"Wouldn't it have been better to keep Cookie, instead of giving him up, because a dog that could have given you nice companionship and some protection during your time of need?" 

"Cookie deserves a forever home and Liam will love him and Tor will learn to be good to animals again. It was the smart thing to do." 

"How about Nathan? Is pushing him away the right thing to do, just because he's the man you love?"

Audrey really wishes she hadn't told Claire that. It gives her ammo she doesn't need. She decides to do a slight change in topic, "For the record, it's the *person* I love, it doesn't have to be a man." That's one way of coming out to your therapist. 

The change in topic works for a moment.

"Oh, really?" 

"Yeah, I'm bi. Whatever I feel for Nathan, he just happens to be a man." 

"Ok, cool. I'm a lesbian." 

"Oh. Cool. Yeah, wlw solidarity!"

Audrey raises her hand in a high five and Claire reluctantly accepts.

"I love being bi. I mean, the sexual part. I'm not completely sure how well I do the whole thing. Sometimes romance is weird to me. I'm not quite sure I get it a lot of the time. Maybe it's because I've been... well, I *remember* being alone most of my life, I didn't have many friends as an adult and I didn't really want romance, a lot of it is still silly to me." Audrey laughs sadly, "My ex gave me flowers and I threw them into the ocean. I just don't always get that stuff." 

"Have you heard of aromantic? Not experiencing romantic attraction." 

It doesn't sound wrong to Audrey but it doesn't sound completely right either...

"I'm... I'm not sure that completely applies..." what she feels for Nathan is complicated but it also feels real. 

"Aromantic is a spectrum, kinda like being bi. The grey (a)romantic community has lots of options if you are interested in looking into it." 

"Maybe..." she might not have much time left, but she does want to do that. She doesn't quite want to talk about it with Claire though. Not yet. 

"Good. And look, Audrey, like I told you already, it doesn't hurt to have people to lean on during times like this. Just because they will lose you later doesn't mean they have to lose you now, you can still need people while you are still here." 

"That's why I have you, right?" Audrey tries to look chipper but Claire doesn't buy it. 

"They both really care about you, you shouldn't use that or discard it just because you have a deadline. It will just hurt all of you." 

Audrey sighs and says forcefully, "I know what I'm doing. I am doing what I need to do while I'm still here. It's not always pretty but... I'm doing my best to protect Haven." 

"No matter who gets hurt?" 

Audrey's voice is cold, "Sometimes." She regrets she had to use the Crocker curse, and she's sad she can never know what she and Nathan could have had. But she needs to do these sacrifices for Haven. She has no choice. 

"My time's up." 

"Audrey," Claire starts to say but Audrey just points at the clock on the wall. "You're right. We'll have another session soon, and I'll think of ways you could maybe be able to connect with Lucy. We'll try the hypnosis later." 

"Great. Bye!" Audrey gets up and leaves Claire's office. 

She thinks she might prefer dealing with a past life. At least she knows how she failed in that one.


End file.
